If you've been taking time to really peruse the website, I'm guessing one of the things that's become pretty clear is... The message being conveyed here regarding grief is rather direct, no-nonsense, and at times, considerably more in your face than you're likely used to. And there are important reasons for that. Which are... The very next choice you make and action you take, matters a lot more than you know. And second, it's probable much of your worse suffering and struggling, is neither directly attributable to your loss, nor your resulting grief. 

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Okay... I'm sure that last one sounds like a pretty strange claim. So, how about I explain...

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Typically, no sooner are we hit by awareness of our tragic loss, that the daunting grief starts setting in - and we are already unwittingly deploying undermining human nature tendencies and behaviors in the mix. Which only serve to make our suffering even more corrosive, toxic and taxing than necessary... And what's proven out, Coaching Survivors over the years is - it's continuing to defer, and fall prey, to such tendencies, falsehoods, and fears that most demoralizes and undercuts grief-stricken Survivors' efforts, will, true potential, and results.

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So, what are these undermining human nature tendencies and behaviors? Well, from learning of the loss, the process typically begins with us trying to bottle-up the tidal wave of thoughts and emotions building up inside. Nothing new for most, with most of us having a world of experience - having bottled-up a lifetime's worth of undealt with pain and trauma... So even facing the worst pain and anguish, most of us are way more consumed with keeping the unruly, distressing nature of our thoughts and feelings concealed - for fear of what others might think, or say.

 

From there, there's the refusal to seek needed help - for fear of being pitied, seen as an outcast, or judged as having something wrong with us. There's lying to ourselves to convince ourselves that things aren't really as bad as they are - happily releasing ourselves from the obligation to make uncomfortable, potentially challenging changes anymore, or face unnerving fear. We categorically put off, and avoid, all things related to loss and grief - allowing us to feel less agitated, less anguished, less fearful in the moment. With each successive act of avoidance - causing our sense of empowerment that we can do anything about it all only growing dimmer... And, oh yeah... Inconvenient truths - must be untruths.

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As for that last one, and an example of how it works against us... One particular, intensely-held mindset for many, or grief myth as debunked in my '14 Reasons' book is - only someone that has experienced the same loss can help. And having run across this a fair number of times supporting Survivors, this tends to be a fiercely bought-in, and dug-in, notion.

 

On multiple occasions over the years, in response to such Survivors, intently assuring me there was no way I could ever help them - since I had never lost a child... I informed them, I had successfully fostered substantial change in the lives of suffering Survivors, whether their loss was a child, parent, sibling, spouse, significant other, grandparent, grandchild, etc. Further adding that the segment I'd worked with, and fostered these results for most, was mothers painfully grieving the loss of a child. And there were testimonials I could share... On occasion however, responses yielded have been along the lines of "those mothers must be lying" and "they must not have really loved their child as much". 

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You see what happened there? With zero insight regarding the mothers helped, their situations, or my expertise, experience, or results fostered. - what I said needed to be wrong. Because if what I said was really true, a highly-disturbing inconvenient truth would need to be faced. You see... If I was really helping other grieving mothers, then that would suggest, the biggest culprit continuing to keep the mothers, having this reaction, so agonizingly and torturously stuck all this time - was their very own mistaken conviction - unwittingly driving away the best opportunities for the very recovery and healing guidance and support, they had needed for so long now. So, just like that, an inconvenient truth needed to be,  somehow, someway, immediately untrue. See how that works?

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And the scary part is, this all happens in the subconscious, so we're consciously oblivious that it's going on. Within just seconds of hearing my response, feeling unnerved and distressed, and on the fly, coming up with something; anything really - to eliminate the highly-unsettling pressure and pain within... With zero awareness what transpired and why... With no idea the past few seconds would, in all likelihood, only entrap them in this agony, anguish, and despair, longer and even more deeply, going forward...

 

As for the final undermining human nature tendency we'll touch on here... It's the also rather common, convincing ourselves no better outcome is possible - to conveniently free ourselves of any otherwise troubling woes of accountability, for not doing more...

 

Thus, what's key is coming to realize that unsuspected factors external to grief, such as these, and many more, can, and do, severely undercut and pain us - causing grief itself to feel, and appear to be, tremendously more grueling, all-powerful, overwhelming, invincible, ever-present, and inescapable than it truly is. As a result, what's crucial that we begin to appreciate is - the better you come to understand, and are prepared and equipped to effectively respond to, and ultimately preempt as many toxic and debilitating hardships, triggers, and psychological and emotional downstream ramifications as possible... The faster you'll see major changes in your day-to-day results. And the faster you'll be absolutely astonished at the huge turnaround in both your grief and your life.

 

Comparing that to the acquiescent road we Survivors most commonly default to, where we avoid, avoid, avoid, steering clear of facing, as much as possible, anything directly associated with grief and the loss - and it's easy to see why the outcomes are so dramatically opposite. Using this sort of out of sight, out of mind approach, where our primary objective is to keep our mind as free as possible of the painful, scary, disturbing topic - and little to nothing ever gets worked through or resolved, with the issues being left alone to grow increasingly worse - with the likelihood being continued future instances of the very same issues coming back, with a vengeance. 

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And therein lies the bulk of the reason for continuing to suffer so... The continued putting off, and avoidance, of what needs to be faced, and appropriately worked through - results only in our grieving continuing to grow ever deeper, and ever worse. And struggling Survivors being increasingly more stuck in a forever devastating and demoralizing cycle of misery, pain, and despair... Ultimately, coming down to our lack of willingness to 'go there', to progressively improve and resolve things - that is the most driving reason we continue to suffer so...

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You see... Much of the oppressive agony, anguish, and despair we end up suffering with so, isn't really directly rooted so much in the grief from the loss of our loved one, in and of itself - so much as it is rooted in the too toxic and debilitating way in which we are seeing, interpreting, carrying, and reacting within our grieving - that intensely aggravates and sabotages everything else.           

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So, how about I go ahead and share the three surprisingly simple shifts, you're really going to want to make within - once and for all, setting you on the road leading to true recovery, healing, and considerably brighter days? Those pivotal changes for turning your ongoing suffering, sense of powerlessness, and lack of empowerment in all this around are... Committing yourself to the willingness to commence 'going there'... Committing yourself to an openness to fundamentally shift your mindset about, and approach to, grief - as needed... And committing yourself to the willingness to get needed grief recovery expertise, direction, and support...     

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Whether we want to admit it, or not... Anything we humans deem even a bit difficult, unnerving, or fearful - avoidance, denial, and not 'going there' are very much second nature reactions. Meaning we are so distressed and fearful about the unknown, and what could happen from there - that we never strive to proactively meet the issue where it is, maximizing awareness and understanding of the issue, associated triggers, and avenues for settling, stilling, and even resolving the crux of the issue, and associated pain. 

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So, in a nutshell... The reason we continue to suffer so, is forever deflecting from, and avoiding, the very issues causing us to struggle and anguish most - because fear of failure and fear of the unknown frightens and unnerves us so. When what's needed instead, is to learn to lean in to those issues - to better understand exactly what's triggering and driving your struggles and anguish most. Then committing yourself to obtain the much-needed grief recovery guidance and support, and to learning the requisite skill sets, knowhow, etc... So proactively, you are able to begin successfully addressing and mitigating your most difficult and agonizing grief issues and pain-points, verses letting them simply continue to hangout uncontested, deep within, metastasizing and popping back up to the surface to torture and decimate you all over again, often times at the worst possible times... 

 

Just imagine taking this long-overdue step to, once and for all, immensely lessen your day-to-day suffering, expedite your healing, and successfully put the power and potential for reclaiming your very best life, from here - back in your hands... 

 

Do yourself a favor. Just pause for a little bit, and truly consider the possibilities of that...